Mr. B is out of town
And I can't find anyone to have an affair with
So I just mosey on down
To the Metropolitan Museum of Art
To look at all the satyrs with hard-ons

They're over there next to the medieval armor
Their bronze muscles flexing under their goat fur loincloths
Vibrating that little bitty Richter-scale looking thingy box
That sits in the corner of the controlled environment
Behind the
Cold
Hard
Glassssss

I sit on an imitation neo-classical chair and wait and wait and wait
I look into a gilded full length mirror and see my greasy stringy hair and I think
Ooh--Hef won't like me like this

Then I check out that chick Leda
With the swan pecking at her pink egg tempera nipples
And I say
Hey! What that swan be doin' huh? (uh huh uh huh) And why? Why?

And how 'bout those plump maidens?
Those hot cherubic babes being presented to Apollo, Dionysus, Neptune or one of those other well hung Gods huh?
What about them stripped bare-assed naked like the day they was born
With their hands bound by garlands and wet dewy budding blossoms ripe and tender to touch
Just like the lesbians in that 16th century tapestry
The one over the harpsichord looking just like California blondes

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

Just then three suffragettes descend from the sky
On an old fashoned wooden deus ex machina, singin'--

I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear

I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear
I ain't wearin' any underwear

Ooh, plumes of molten rock rising from Venus' mantle solidify on the crust as plateaus

That guard looks cute he has a look of studied melancholy and distraction that reminds me of my old Greek boyfriend, the Al Pacino look-a-like I called my subtle gigolo who broke my heart in a hundred places and caused my nervous breakdown that resulted in the most unsuccessful suicide attempt involving 42 Phenobarbital where I slept for two days and woke up and luckily lived long enough to reach my sexual peak

I wonder what ever happened to him?