Your Horoscope for Today Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Aquarius!
There's travel in your future when your tongue
Freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life
By playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos
With the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance
No matter what those idiots at work say

Aries!
The look on your face will be priceless
When you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf
Then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus!
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

[Chorus]
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
[Verse 2]
Gemini!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again
By your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble
When your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest


Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend
The rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose
While taking your driver's test

Leo!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt
And staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding
Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik

Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent
Except for you
Expect a big surprise today
When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

[Chorus]
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back
(Kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
You've got hanging in your den


Capricorn!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person
But you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows
And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

[Chorus]
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
(That's your horoscope for today)
Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay
That's your horoscope for today

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About

Genius Annotation

“Your Horoscope for Today” is a pastiche in the style of big band ska music (such as Reel Big Fish and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones). The entire song is an exhaustive, parodic description of the 12 signs of the Zodiac, most being crude and detrimental in each description.

Q&A

Find answers to frequently asked questions about the song and explore its deeper meaning

What is the Ebola virus?
Genius Answer

Ebola is a severe, often fatal disease that can affect humans and primates. The virus is believed to spread from an infected animal to a human, potentially spreading to other humans via blood or secretions.

Credits
Saxophone
Engineer
Release Date
June 29, 1999
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